07 December 2002 19:22
Operation Code Name: Mother's TV
Sir, I departed from HQ at 10.47 stopping only briefly to ensure that I had a full payload of fuel in my vehicle. I proceeded in a NW direction. Slow moving traffic, god, would I make the rendezvous in time? Crossed the Great Ouse into no man's land, thence across the Nene into (Code Name)" Brassicaland."
Sir, I used a cunning disguise. I had a bouquet of flowers in the back of the vehicle "for Mother" in case I was stopped. My mud besplattered green car passed scarcely noticed through the brassica fields. Even the men standing stiffly in the middle of fields with arms outstretched barely batted an eyelid as I passed.
Contacted Target 1 at "The House" using the agreed code " I have come for Mother's television" to which she replied "Yew'll be wanting the key then mi luv" I entered the building located and removed "the object".
On to Target 2. "Mother was located and after a coded discussion the documents were signed.
On the homeward strait. I left "Brassicaland" under cover of darkness. Soon be safe. What's this? Blue flashing lights on the bridge to safety. My god, they're on to me. A "broken down vehicle" was blocking one lane over the bridge. Quick look around the car, nothing obvious in sight. Put on "Greatest Rock and Roll Hits" Vol 5. Act casual. Alternating single line traffic. Guards able to look into each passing vehicle. I'm across the bridge. That was a close call, Sir.
Back at HQ had a well deserved Chateau Lafitte before retiring to the bunker to post my report, Sir.
The "Object" will remain at HQ until Agent "Charlie" can remove it to a place of safety.
No, No Sir, it was nothing. I did it for Blighty.
My next assignment? Could be to the West!
Hope you're feeling a bit perkier.
(Code Name) Helling
07 December 2002 19:49
It's us, the Reporting Team.
Glad to hear that your extraction operation was successful. We can almost hear the rotors of the Hueys as you deployed the napalm, agent orange and, godhelpus, Tribute to clear the area before launching your counter-brassiainsurgency raid.
Jelly is ..... well ..... Frankly he has gone to ..... er, jelly.
Despite his attempts to pursue life, liberty and happiness, so far he has failed to locate even the 'and'. Like his laundry basket, things do not look good.
Should there be a major faecal/ventilation interface conflict we shall be moving in with you. Please supply directions.
PS. We've already worked out that you turn right at the sprout minefields, how do we get the rest of the way?
PPS. Has Androo finished the Doom Bar? Let us know and we will bring some more. (VJ won't be needing a credit card where he's going!).
08 December 2002 13:23
Jelly isn't going the way of Uncle Frank is he? Let me help him. Here is the "AND" all he has to do now is get a life.
Your know, the napalm and agent orange were nothing but there's a strange glow in the sky to the north of us. Couldn't be something to do with the Tribute???
We're easy to find. You just head for the M25, do a few circuits to gain enough momentum to spin off up the M11 to where it joins the A14 and before you know it you're in Norfolk. From there you head towards the East coast, don't go north whatever you do, you could find yourself in Brassicaland. The hardest part is getting up enough speed on the M25.
By the time you get here Androo will probably be going cold turkey and need to mainline Doom Bar. I think you should make sure you travel together we don't want anything to happen to the Shauns..........
PS They have some confusing ideas around here and sometimes there are 2 or more places with the same name. And still the post (usually) gets to the right house.
PPS Bring warm woollies (oops, sorry) once the wind (ahem!) is in the east it blows in from Siberia. Its known as a lazy wind - blows straight through you not round. But you know all about that from VJ
08 December 2002 15:49
Dunno, which way did Uncle Frank go? Last we saw Jelly he was going the way of Hellesveor Cliff muttering something about an idea he'd had after watching a documentary about Saipan in 1944.
Ta for the directions which we shall be using them if VJ doesn't get back soon (especially in time to make our tea!). Don't worry about us getting up to speed on the MXXV 'cos the Sonics are really fast. This is why you very rarely see blue hedgehogs as they usually move at speeds undetectable by the human eye. The Shauns will probably move quite sharply as well if we tell them there is a coachload of Young Farmers following them!
If you run out of Doom Bar in the meantime at least Androo can console himself with the thought that at least he is in the right county for cold turkey.
PS. If you are surrounded by brassicas and those who feed off them no wonder you suffer so badly from the wind over there.
08 December 2002 17:08
I see. Those Young Farmers are the same all over the country. A young Shaun just can't feel safe. Not like that in my day m'dears.
Didn't think many people had TV in 1944. Must have been one of the fortunate few. He certainly carries his age well.
Talking of tea, Andrew is currently slaving over a hot oven. Me? Slaving over a hot quill pen - doing the Chrissie cards - don't you just love it?
08 December 2002 21:27
Bad gnus .... Jelly came back.
We are not sure what he was doing watching TV in 1944 either but as for carrying his age well we think it has something to do with all that Doom Bar he drinks. Not so much well preserved as pickled.
What's Big Mac cooking? Bet it doesn't involve either turkey or brassicas. Probably a Doom Bar pie or some such.
Good luck with the Crimbo cards we always struggle with them. There are only so many ways you can say 'hi, happy xmas, bugger all has happened since last year, be writing to you again this time next year'. Jelly has it easy cos he hasn't got any friends which saves him a fortune in biro ink and stamps at this time of year.
We are off to write Volume 9 of our Crimbo pressie list. Jelly will have to work extra long hours to pay for it all but what the hell, it's Crispmas!
Be squeaking to you again, no doubt.
09 December 2002 18:44
You ungrateful bunch! There he slaving his wotsits off to keep a roof over your heads, food in your mouths AND Crimbo pressies and you say his return was bad gnus. I guessed he must have returned as none of you turned up shivering on my front door step. It wouldn't surprise me if after that you just get a chocolate orange and a colouring book....between you all for Crimbo.
Big Mac did loin of Gloucester Old Spot and very nice it was too. Naturally brassicas were involved in the form of Savoy cabbage. Don't do turkey after the article in the Sunday Rag. Its beef casserole tonight, one wot I prepared earlier. Give me plenty of time to start the Dundee Cake off if the brandy ever gets as far as the mixed fruit.
The secret of eternal youth! Hurrah. get some more Doom Bar. Beats HRT ( Helling's Redcurrant jelly Tarts) any day.
Off to the TurnOff prize exposition on Saturday. Will dispatch a report asap.
Speak to you soon
09 December 2002 21:55
But we're not really ungrateful. It's just VJ is so used to abuse and unappreciation that it throws him off if we do the contrary. Really, we quite like the old fool, especially as he has made us famous on the internet. Also, he takes in our fellow waifs and strays as will be revealed in the next bulletin so that all our friends get roofs, nosh, crimbo pressies, etc. But some tell him we said so 'cos he finds it difficult to cope with acceptance.
We have gone right off Androo now that we find out that he has been secretly liaising with the enemy. Cabbage, indeed. We say pah! If we come to visit we shall only cuddle up with you. And turning the lights off won't help him because we can easily tell the difference between humans who smell of cabbage and humans who smell of brandy. We like the cut of your cake, young fella!
Got to go now. VJ has just limped back from a breakfast split at the Slupe and we haven't finished making his banana daiquiri yet.
10 December 2002 18:49
Which one of you is the undercover psychotherapist?
Androo may well have liaised with the enemy but he was working for MI6 so that's OK
Would that be a menage a sept? or more.
You'll have to teach me how to mix a banana daiquiri.
11 December 2002 08:13
Orm, although he's not so much a shrink as a squeeze. He also serves as an emergency strait jacket when Jelly gets particularly manic.
We thought MI6 were the enemy. At least according to David Shayler. Or was that MI5? In either case we don't think you should really trust sinister secretive organisations that try to disguise themselves as motorways.
We are now, following the latest influx, a menage a N (where N is a number tending towards infinity - can't find the right symbols on the keyboard to do the maths equation).
We're not sure about the banana daiquiri ourselves. We couldn't find the recipe book. Then we couldn't find any bananas. So, in the end we just made him a Comfort Manhattan which seemed to hit the spot (as he downed it in one and hit the floor). He was still there last we saw so we got the bed all to ourselves. Bwahahaha!
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