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Lucy 16 October 2003 18:02 Being a Jurnlist
Dear Mr. Vile Jelly, Sir,
I am sorry that I did not meet you at St. Ives. Helling and BM were very
cross with me for not staying at home with CM, but wen I told them why they
were very understanding. I did so want to meet your Reporting Team but
wen I saw all those people in St. Ives I got very fwightened, I'm not used to
having so menny people around me. There are not menny people in the North Sea.
Helling and BM took me to France with them to help me get over my frite in St.
Ives. I didn't have a passport, like they hev, but I hev never needed
one before and I go to the French seaside places lots of times. They
didn't take me to the restaurant in Barfleur as they thought it might upset me
if I happened to see one of my friends on someone's plate. It is a
sensitive area so we tend to ignore it and hope no one gets upset. Trubble is,
Helling is very fond of sea food. Don't know why she doesn't stick to
plankton or seaweed. How would she feel if I said I like eating Pauls or
Andrews?
What I thought I could do is to write you some pieces from here if that is all
right.
I'm filing my first piece:
Ale to the Chef (I got that from your Spooky St. Ives website)
A well know chef at the Sloop Inn is often heard (or can be read about)
complaining that Ants don't mind their P's and Q's and never praise his high
standard of quizzine. My informant ( Helling says she has to remain
anonymous otherwise you'll know who my informant is) tells me that as recently
as last week not one but two People praised the meal that they had. One of
them was so pleased with his repast that he (now this is the spooky bit) even
bought the aforementioned chef a pint of Doom Bar. No mention was made of any
Ants saying they liked their meals nor indeed of them buying ale for the Jelly
Chef. My informant says that there are some Ants who do not think
of themselves as real Ants, but as Welcome Visitors and that they are
allowed to give the Chef beer. The Reporting Team have confirmed that
Ants and Visitors are very welcome to gets the rounds in and they will ALL be
there next time to join in the celebrations.
PS Say Hello to the Reporting Team from me. XXX
Reporting Team 17 October 2003 16:47
Hello, Luce. It is we, the Reporting Team.
We were a tad disappointed at your non-appearance at the appointed hour. Polly
was particularly upset as he had prepared a special dish of Human Thermidor in
your honour. (So, Large Overcoat wasn't the only frustrated chef!).
It is not true that VJ is horrible to emmets (it is true that he is vile,
though). We have no idea how such a scurrilous rumour could have arisen.
(Ahem!) He is actually quite nice to them and has even been known to give
directions to the Tate to those more deserving of death than directions!
Ennywahey, we're glad you made it back from Frank. Keep an investigative eye
on the activities of BM & Helling.
We look forward to promulgating your next expose!
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