Ah, I've had it all explained to me now.  Relevant and pertinent.  Right.

 

St Ives sunny no snow warm lovely Fore Street shopping shopping shopping beaches parking easy, never rains (but pour it does).   Tately Tate and happy Hepworth, leaky Leach and canny Corser, Useless Chef and crappy restaurants, poison pasties, gorging gulls, temeritous turnstones flipping chips not turning stones.  Happy, smiley bollards on the Wharf, Sloop, Union, Castle, Lifeboat, Queens, Golden Lion and all the rest, and Doom Bar, Doom Bar, Doom Bar, Doom Bar, Doom Bar, Special.

 

Happy smiley tourists too, slim and lean and tanned and fit and never a spare ounce of fat among them, and dressed with style and such elan that we can only stand and gape in awe and wonder.

 

There.

Congratulations. You have won this week's star prize for the best letter. To collect your prize, simply open a new bank account in the name of Mr. T. Reporting-Team, deposit £5,000 to cover the initial admin expenses and we will send you your cheque for £10,000,000* [* please advise whether you would like to receive your prize money in lies, deceit, treachery or bullshit].

 

I can't believe that some dork (dead dork now, I think) actually fell for that one. It's only marginally more blatant fraud than selling timeshares in Buckingham Phallus!

 

PS. You left out 'happy, affluent local community'.

Bullshit, as ever.

 

The bank want 2 signatures, so best the RT get their best forging kit out.  I guess they shouldn't have too much trouble finding a blue quill pen.

 

Yup, some dork (deceased) did, and they're still falling for the Nigerian 419ers as well.  The world is crying out for a new hyper-superlative for dumb.

 

PS I didn't leave it out.  I may return to it later. 

OK, call them Mr. Reporting and Mr. Team, then!

 

Can't say that I've succumbed to the Nigerians either, although I am a tad disturbed by the number of e-mails I receive offering me viagra and willy extensions. It's not receiving them that worries me so much as ..... how do they know?