31 July 2004 19:31
Quite so, just testing.
Wot? You mean Bambi?
It was a very pleasant bit of Y (some do exist) Mr. B. was a Y....man. I can't recall anything about my previous helens.
Me? Winding you up? Now, would I be capable of such a thing? Are you telling me that I didn't really see the Bumble Bee Suit and that it was my puritanical subconscious not wanting to see the Jelly in the all-together? I can see their point, but they're so old-fashioned- we went metric several years ago. I'd need a score - no, on reflection that's an awful lot of plonk in those bucket-sized glasses. After that much anyone would look like George Clooney or Antonio Banderas.
01 August 2004 09:20
You mean someone has shot Buff's mother?
I think you'll find if you check the Bibble that God created Lancashire and saw that it was good. Then he created Yorkshire in which to dump all the riff-raff that he didn't want in Lancashire. Or so they say in the People's Republic of Ormskirk!
The experiment was a complete failure. By the time the RT had drunk enough to be prepared to contemplate looking at me they had all gone blind from alcohol abuse! Or that's what they claimed. Mind you, if that was the case, why did they need more alcohol to cure themselves. If only I didn't have to work so many hours to pay off their bar bill I might have time to figure these things out.
01 August 2004 19:52
No, wet nurse.
Stand up the real Wolfie Smith. Wot are they pro? All this is only true IF you believe in the Bibble.
Think the RT have got you well and truly sussed. I shall have to have a word with them - they might be able to give me some pointers.
PS you will have gathered that I've returned relatively unscathed from up north.The A1 was a joy - like having my own private test track. Traffic? wot traffic, Only a tractor and trailer being stopped by plod on the A1M p miserable jobs worth, He wasn't exactly holding anyone up.
02 August 2004 09:25
PRO are strictly amateur by revolutionary standards but it helps keep the tykes down. And how can you not believe the bibble? Next you'll be claiming that LOTR is pure fantasy!
Well, you'll have to be up early to get some sense out of the RT. They're usually down the pub first thing getting well lubricated after a hard nanosecond's reporting work. I mean, you heard Soupie when you were down t'other time. And she's the responsible one!
PS. Reason there was no traffic on the A1 was that it is all down here, trapped in St. Ives like thousands of angry bluebottles on the wrong side of the window.
02 August 2004 18:37
Its no more fantastic than any other myths and legends.
Scrap that plan then - me, getting up and early is a fantasy too far, unless we're going on hols in which case I can sleep during the journey. Yes, but what is she responsible for?
That explains it then.
03 August 2004 08:42
But LOTR is true. The Reporting Team say they went and saw a three part documentary (Middle Earth At War; narrated by Laurence Olivier) at the flicks!
Soupie is responsible for sense and sensibility. I had my doubts but when I saw her next to the RT she was definitely more sensible and had more functioning senses than the rest of them.
Y'see. Want to know the truth behind the news, read Spooky St. Ives. No RT? No comment!
03 August 2004 18:52
Didn't say it isn't. Truth is stranger than fiction.
I read SSI avidly - I was going to say regularly but that depends on the promulgation!
Just back the swimming pool. It was like the A1, lots of lanes and no one using them. Can't see how the Council makes it pay.
04 August 2004 09:03
Thank dog for that, the RT were quite worried (especially as they based their History GCSE answers on LOTR).
I have seen the doctor about my irregular promulgation but apparently there's a huge NHS waiting list for treatment!
Once again, you fail to grasp the sitch. There is to one [no one] in the swimming or piddling [sic] pools because they have all gone down to St. Ivel to spend the skool summer hols drifting out to sea on inflatable thingies. It would be quite an efficient way of culling the weak and stupid if the rescue services didn't keep fishing them out. Bah!
04 August 2004 17:45
Que? Your penultimate sentence don't make sense - not much changes there then
Just been listening to David Badiel saying he used to have a goatee to disguise his double chin and I thought who does that remind me of --------- no, pots and kettles.
05 August 2004 09:01
Aha, Revenge of the Return of the Curse of the Smell-checker. It should say 'no one' not 'to one'. The RT have promised to be cruel to me for a week by way of an apology if that's acceptable.
I do not have a goatee on my face. That is my face and, yes, I look like a goat. Anyway, your theory falls down in practice because there isn't enough facial hair in all the world to cover all my chins. Still, glad to see that you've abandoned all that happy-clappy nonsense about me being a viable member of the human species and now fully acknowledge my appalling hideosity.
05 August 2004 21:55
Why should they get all that pleasure? Is this thrashing with nettles or wot? No its not.
No I haven't
I was going to send you a piccie of Bruin , my teddy bear, who ain't beautiful but I wuv him, but I doubt you'd understand.......
06 August 2004 09:34
Oh, they say they're quite happy to let you join in if you want. Just bring your own stinging nettles (they sell them on to Yarg manufacturers after all their stings have been used up on me). Will a lifetime of cruelty to me be OK, then.
Have it your way. Gill has already signed up for Operation Apocalypse.
But is he cuddly? How old is he? My pair of much patched veterans have somehow managed to put up with me since the age of 5!
06 August 2004 17:48
As you're the masochist I'll say I'll be really nice and kind to you... Let me see, a life time is a loooong time - don't think I'd be able to keep it up for that length of time. Got plenty of nettles ( for the butterflies you understand.)
I was reflecting on your body image ( must go and lie down in a darkened room).....................that's better - and really compared with the multitude of obese, sorry - bariatric( as we must now call them) bods hereabouts, you're posatively sylph-like .............scary thought! :-)
'course he's cuddly. He's 7 years older than me, and like your's, much patched. I think I made him a new set of clothes while I was (supposed to be) studying for my finals. His nose (snout?) would put Jimmy Durrante's to shame. He was given to me by the son some friends of my parents. I met him a couple of years ago at dad's funeral and he was delighted that Bruin's still going strong. He's sitting on the bed in my study with Big Ted ( Greg's teddy ) and Pamela, my walkie-talkie doll. The rest of the gang are scattered around the house and my car.
06 August 2004 19:02
I'm not a masochist, I'm a realist. The former enjoys pain, the latter just expects it. What? You lash butterflies with stinging nettles? I thought it was the bitey stingy thingies that were your bane. As A Pope famously writ:-
"Satire or sense, alas! Can Sporus feel?
Who breaks a butterfly upon a stinging nettle?"
His second best line from his poem 'An E-Mail To Dr. Arbuthnot'.
Tsk, tsk. Where's your community spirit, wummun? When I pop my clogs my body will be donated to medical science ..... or the starving millions in Africa, whichever is the more needy.
Seven years older than you, eh? That confirms my theory. You don't find cuddly people, they find you.
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