Stunning news just in .....

According to our youth correspondent Alfie may have been seal-napped!

Alfie has not been seen basking in the public eye on Porthgwidden for a few days. At first we assumed that he was just keeping a low profile after some incriminating evidence washed up on the beach one morning.

But now, a reporter claims that Alfie has been captured by the seal botherers, stuffed in a tank and transported away. Furthermore, a new age surf hippy under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs illegally camping on the Island claimed that the tank was clearly marked for the attention of Blubber-U-Like, the well-known chain of fast sushi bars.

We must make it clear that at this stage these reports are completely unsubstantiated (the new age surf hippy was also put in a tank and carted off by the authorities once discovered) and that there may yet be another explanation for Alfie's alleged disappearance. In deed, it should be mentioned that a drinking establishment that shall remain nameless has just got a new glass collector who does look vaguely familiar to a lot of the locals!

Either way the loss of Alfie is a bitter blow in the struggle to reduce the numbers of irritating small children on St. Ives' beaches. With 11 confirmed kills and 7 probables Alfie was our top ace!

Rather know the truth? Try http://www.sealsanctuary.co.uk/corn1.html

STOP PRESS!

Even more stunning news just in .....

Alfie appears to have made a Great Escape. Early reports indicate that Alfie has given the authorities the slip and legged (flippered?) it.

Alfie had been transported to a seal colony in the Bristol Channel but has allegedly slipped out under cover of darkness and is heading for St. Ives.

Will he make it?

Will he get recaptured at the station?

Will he be able to get that motorbike over those barbed wire fences?

If Alfie does make it back the question then is, should the tourists be protected from Alfie or should Alfie be protected from the tourists?

Send your vote to 'Cullthetourists' at the Seal Sanctuary! 

START THE PRESSES AGAIN!

According to my mate, Ian Appleyard, Alfie was spotted in the harbour yesterday afternoon (05/09/01).

He said that Alfie was looking sleek and relaxed, sporting a Newquay Surf Championships t-shirt. Apparently, Alfie had been leading going into the final round of the Freestyle Event but was controversially disqualified when the judges noted that he wasn't actually using a surfboard.

Ian was down there watching his sprog, Jamie, hurling himself off West Pier when Alfie hoved into view. Unfortunately, Ian advises that the tide was in and the kids got out of the water before any serious good was done.

Further bulletins to follow as news warrants.

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