Everybody Needs Some Bodies! - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

Helen Bristol

19 May 2003 11:43

Re: New message - other one getting too long

The Interview was very amicable as she is desperate for me to return to work................. what it is to be wanted! We agreed a "return to work" strategy which involved 'persuading' my GP that I was fit enough to resume part-time light duties. He agreed (though is still nursing a broken arm)

The manipulation was something else. Still feeling little stiff.

Haven't spoken to you for a few days as we went on an ADVENTURE...............as you will see...........(with apologies)

Say, pussy cat, pussy cat where have you been?

We bin t' Lunnun t' chaeck out tha see-ern (pronounced Sea-urn) (can't do Norfolk so will continue in the queen's English as far as I am able)

Say, pussy cat, pussy cat where did you go?

The Victoria and Albert, the Art Deco Expo

Say, pussy cat, pussy cat what you do nex'?

Booze, drugs, rock and roll and way-out ,man, sex?

Now you know my friend that I'm not that kind

Something more sensual was what I had in mind.

So, pussy cat, pussy cat where did you do?

Locanda Locatelli, at the Churchill you know.

Oh, pussy cat, pussy cat that means lots of dosh

Maybe, my friend, but we went for the nosh.

Oh, pussy cat, pussy cat how will you live now?

Cut my coat to the cloth and save up some dough.

Then pussy cat, pussy cat will you come to St Ia?

Just so, my friend. Do you cook a l'Italia?

It was BM's *3rd burpday so went stayed over night and a great time was had by all!!

Vile Jelly

19 May 2003 15:40

Only his 3rd burpday. Boy, BM hasn't aged well, has he? On the other hand, he is rather tall for his tender years.

Still, just think, another couple of years and you can pack him off to skool and get on with enjoying your life!

PS. So, when will you have to down your wine glass and once more pick up the cudgels of work?

Helen Bristol

19 May 2003 18:01

Starting tomorrow with an Team Building morning - no idea what we will be doing, hopefully nothing too energetic either physically or mentally. Then another 1/2 day later in the week. Breaking myself in gently!

Vile Jelly

19 May 2003 21:42

Well, presumably you're given a small supply of body parts and told to build a team out of them!

Good luck and don't forget to set the alarm clock.

Helen Bristol

20 May 2003 08:19

Well, getting up at 7a.m. (having been struggling for 8.30) was a bit of a shock to the system. The fact that it is a gloomy wet day doesn't help.

I'll speak to you about the body parts later!

Vile Jelly

20 May 2003 08:37

I didn't do it.

Well, nobody saw me do it.

Anyway, you can't prove anything.

PS. With your connections do you know anybody who might me interested in purchasing an assortment of human joints (I can do you chops, fillets, haunches, etc.) and a set of bloodstained Globals?

PPS. The Shauns say they can throw in some good recipes as well. Apparently we're delicious with mint sauce. Or so they claim!

Helen Bristol

20 May 2003 14:52

We managed to assemble a Team from the parts. Only thing was there were some bits left over ( always happens, doesn't it?) So the Team got together to decide what to do with them. We came up with the idea of making an animal with big feet, a hump and bad breath - then some kill-joy told us it had already been invented. hey ho.

PS They'll track it back to you, your Globals are already bloodstained.

PPS Are they organic or factory farmed?

PPPS You can tell the Shauns that I prefer Red Currant Jelly.

Vile Jelly

20 May 2003 17:26

Pah!

My globules are not blood-stained at all. That is because we have both a KP and a management that can, between them, mop up and deny any mess.

PS. The Shauns are indignant (which makes a change from them being indigent). (1) Of course they are organic. The Shauns cull their humans (in a sheepmanely may you understand) by hunting them down in their natural environment (bus queues, supermarkets, traffic jams, etc.) and despatch them with a swift (merciful) hoof-blow. They are, after all, Vicious Killer Sheep, which is why I sleep so uneasily.

PPS. They say, and I can't guarantee the veracity of this, that Port & Cranberry Sauce is even better.

I can't swear to that .....

..... but they are starting to marinade my right leg and I can swear at that!

Helen Bristol

20 May 2003 17:44

Marinade? With what??

PS Was there a point 2?

PPS And I thought (when I met one of them) that the Shauns were such sweet, docile beings. Just shows how appearances can deceive.

PPPS They do say that human beens taste like pork so perhaps apple would be better.

Vile Jelly

20 May 2003 18:53

Port & Cranberry Sauce. It doubles up as both marinade and sauce.

Yes, Point (2) was in fact PS1 but I wasn't paying attention. Sorry.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Pork with apple sauce is adequate but to get anything worthwhile it really needs to have something a bit more because it is so bland. Try garlic and sage (for a roast) or hunny & mustard for chops.

PS. The Shauns have always been Vicious Killer Sheep (they insist on the capitals just in case any Welsh/Australians/New Zealanders are watching with a gleam in their eye). They like to catch people unawares so they disguise themselves .....

..... as sheep in sheep's clothing.

Hey, I said they were Vicious Killer Sheep, I didn't say they'd be appearing on University Challenge!

Helen Bristol

21 May 2003 11:11

I thought the Shauns were worried about the gleam in the eye of Young Framers in Englandshire.

Whatdaya mean 'not paying attention'? Is it really that boring? No, don't answer that.

Sorry to hear that the pork in Cornwall is 'bland'. Over here we get free-range outdoor Gloucester Old Spot piggies which isn't. I rarely do a roast these days. When we have a roast it is usually at the weekend. Weekends are BM's cooking duty, so that I can get on with all the things a good little house frau should be doing(!) The hunny and mustard sounds good. Dijon, English, bog standard French, German??

PS The Shauns and Sonics seem to be getting a lot of column inches at present. What's happened to the rest of the RT?

Vile Jelly

21 May 2003 18:35

Framers?

That's what they claim every time they go before the authorities on charges of Excessive Hoofing Of Humans ..... "I was framed"!

I had my suspicions but now it seems that after all they were telling the truth.

Oh, and no, I meant I wasn't paying attention to what I was writing (typographically speaking) not what I was reading.

A good coarse mustard (Dijon or a decent English) is the best. Colour, texture and flavour are the key. If you can squirt it out of a squeezy bottle then it won't do. And you need real hunny too; you know the stuff that actually comes out of the bees' bottoms. Adjust for taste (and range) and fire at will.

PS. The Sonics and Shauns tend to be the most active members of the RT and so get invited on the long walks. It would be cruel to expect the littler members to keep up (not that S & S did particularly, see the new feature when it's promulgated). There are rumours, however, that the Soup Dragon and Flat Eric will be attending the Beer Festival as that does not involve a lot of walking (other than to the bar/toilet facilities).

Helen Bristol

22 May 2003 17:21

How could you ever have doubted them?

We usually stock up with huge jars of Dijon mustard when we visit la Belle France. Wouldn't touch the squeezy bottle stuff. As for hunny, we either get it from a friend who is an apiarist or from local shops that buy from local producers.

PS I wasn't expecting the little ones to "keep up", what is your rucksack for? I think you have a duty to broaden their horizons and ensure that they get an all-round education. B****r the STATS.

PPS Our Beer Festival got dropped. It was held at the Receation Ground (locally known as the Rec - wreck more like, especially since the arson attack on the recycling centre.) The grown ups would be sampling the brews while local youf wandered wanderingly about with bottles of "lemonade" (topped up with something colourless but somewhat stronger tap water. Underage drinking? good lord, what a strange idea.

PPPS Back to work today, not even a full day, and I'm worn out. Amazingly I was unable to access 3 months of emails so the tec has got to sort it out tomorrow ready for next Tuesday (it being a bank holiday on Monday - just in case that had slipped your mind)

Vile Jelly

23 May 2003 09:23

The day I forget the advent of a bank/school holiday you have my permission to tip me down the nearest disused mineshaft. We have every single one marked with a skull and crossbones on the calendar!

Personally, I was always in favour of underage drinking when I was a kid. I'm not so keen on it now. Must be getting old.

PS. Rucksack? Rucksack? Have you got any idea how heavy the Reporting Team is? They'll just have to take turns.

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