A Sea Anenome Of The People? - E-Mail correspondence with Spooky St. Ives

No, silly boy, I don't do the lugging. There are porters (or Sherpas as we call them) to do all that kind of thing. Back-wise, I'm back to where I was back this time last year.

Couldn't you apply to our kind, caring and ever vigilant government to get a replacement endoskeleton from an available donor, such as a now non-viable minister for immigration. Presumably the reigning monarch will be dispensing the Maundy money as usual, so just elbow your way to the head of the queue and put the proposal to Tone. You get a new back, he gets rid of an embarrassing problem.

Or vice versa if you accept the Sherpas account of the whole thing. Personally I think the whole thing was a hoax. The picture with H, T and the americans rehearsing the moon landing are a dead giveaway!

She'd never do, she lacks backbone. And dissembled to boot! 'Inadvertently mislead the Commons' C'mon, either may she needed to go - she 'forgot' some vital info that was passes to her, or she told a porky. No, I think I'll carry on suffering. having bits of the likes of her, I think my life would become a living nightmare.

Well, perhaps you could get one of the 'Mr Smiths' from Bucharest to donate his spine in return for immunity from prostitution (i.e. having to work in Tony's junta). Still, on the bright side of the whole affair at least Sir Robert Armstrong can sleep easier knowing he is now only the second greatest liar in modern British politics. Personally, I tend to take full advantage of the government's sympathetic understanding of such things and 'inadvertently mislead' the tax office, dole office, etc.

PS. They took me on the expedition precisely because I'm not a man at all. Jellys are easier to pack and extremely low maintenance. The idea was that once they got to the top they'd make a rapid descent using me as a space hopper. Unfortunately, when they got to the top of Everest they were extremely annoyed to discover that the Sonics (aided by Shaun The Sherpas) had got there first and opened a double-glazing business. So, I never made the official photos.

Ashley, I was referring to H or T. You had not, at that stage in the conversation, intimated that you were there. Now, sums were never my strong point ........but, if you were there then, you have inadvertently mislead the world about being a thirty-something, etc. I'm sure there is a perfectly plausible explanation.....You will have the full support of the RT.

Anyway, my back feels a lot (comparatively speaking) better this morning. Don't know whether it was the massage, the one or two glasses of wine, or the shock of vibratingly LOUD music at last night's engagement party. The best thing about LOUD music is that I can't hear my tinnatus.

Who do you think took the photos of H, T and the astronauts? Now, if you can fake the photos, faking a burp certificate is no probs. I'm only as old as the MIB say I am!

Men In Black. Not so much a reference to the moderately amusing/entertaining films but the original, which was a metaphor for 'the powers that exist but no one will ever officially admit to'.

Sorry. So, who did BM get engaged to? Or the even the BM-er sprogs? Or was it a 'I have no idea who they are but it's a good excuse for a party' sort of party?

Sorry for what? That I didn't? That once again you'd got it wrong? BM didn't - at least as far as I am aware. (Don't mention "getting engaged" to BM - he'd have to go and lie down in a darkened room for at least a week.) Officially it was BM-er sprog, but I think there were quite a few don't knows whose party this is but we'll join in anyway. My 2 don't look like they're ever going to do anything so rash.

The photo (I assume it is that of which thou refereth) willhavebeen taken two weeks next Tuesday and then projected via the space/time continuum manipulating thingy to assume its wrongful place in history.

What do you mean "That once again you'd got it wrong"? Whose side are you on. Here I am getting my whatsits shot off by e-mail snipers and just when it comes to 'rally round the flag' time you decide you've just got to pop out for a flag-break!

Ever considered a compromise? How about you mention the E word to BM and suggest that if he needs to go and lie in a darkened room for a week to think about it ..... well, the cellar is stocked with Mr. Chimbley's finest and you just happen to have put a mattress, duvet and freshly plumped pillows down there.

No,Mathter, that wath not what I wath referring to. I meant how old do the BIM say you are? 'though your explanation was infinitely more interesting.

Just that on very, very rare occaisions you misread the Runes. See, you're doing it again. I'm behind you all the way - just can't keep up what with my knackered back.

I thought that getting a degree thingy meant that you have mastered the skill/craft of logical thinking. Where is the correlation between massive unpopularity and expirational flashes. GW & T B-B are all the time, the former, but sadly haven't the decency to do the latter.

PS Shock Horror in T'Observer today. The Duc of Cornshire is planning another carbuncle near Nukie. The article was all about the eyesore at Poundbury, just outside Dorchester ( not far enough outside some would say) and how HMPC is going to build another near you. As one disgruntled local said 'what the royals want the royals get' What will West Penwith (for it is they is it not) make of this one? 'Yes your Majesty, No Your majesty, Anything you say Sir' All thinking of possible gongs. The 'affordable' housing in Poundbury starts at a mere snip at £215,000. I'll take 2 and rent them out......oh, no I can't do that cos you'll lay into me (!) like you do to Windiwoo

Well, the degree thingy did teach the merits of logical thinking and rational argufying but I have since discovered (especially recently in the SSI e-mus) that such deeds have no practical relevance in today's way of things. So from now on I am going to SHOUT VERY LOUDLY, IGNORE THE CRITICS OTHER THAN GIVE THEM AN OCCASIONAL CONDESCENDING "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND" AND ONLY CHERRY PICK THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME LOOK GOOD ..... just like everyone else.

PS. Haven't seen owt about Mr. Bowles and his plans for another (airfix) model village down here. To be honest, I didn't think he knew where Cornwall was, let alone West Penwith.

PPS. Nukie (if that's the locale in question) is in Europe and nothing to do with West Penwith whose frontiers end east of Cardboard Bay.

There's nowt wrong with gerrymandering. Some of our longest and bitterest conflicts have been caused by it! In fairness, though, I suppose it must be galling for you to see the government spending all those resources manipulating boundaries when it's really the nation's backbones that need manipulating.

No. I find myself in the invidious position of seeming either to have to abandon my principles or fight back and cause collateral damage. Even poor old Winwaloe has now been vituperatively assailed by the forces of abuse. What does one do under such circumstances?

Its got nothing to do with mis-spending finances, but all to do with transparency and integrity, not popular concepts in this day and age.

Because to fight back involves getting down and dirty no matter what the 'theory' is. In the battle for truth and freedom how can you wrest either from your opponent if they don't play fair? If they do play fair the battle wouldn't, ipso facto, being taken place. And if they don't play fair how far will disapproving finger-wagging get you?

At the end of the day, violence is the only viable alternative to submission as the WW2 graveyards littered all over the world testify. Thus, it simply becomes a question of How Much will it take to provoke you to violence, How Far are you prepared to go to win and Why can't humans be more like the Reporting Team!

The WW2 graveyards and those from previous conflicts only testify to the stupidity, avarice and aggressiveness of the Leaders. The poor sods who got killed hade little option. I'm not prepared to argue this one 'cos I know I can't win! I have no solution - I just know that it is "wrong" (can't think of another word) to take another person's life, though I'm sure if I went down the man-as-an-animal route there would be many examples of a member of one specie taking the life of another of the same.

This is getting a bit heavy for a Tuesday evening. Think I'll go and cook another curry to take my mind off life, the world and everything.

But there is no such thing as 'society' any more. Now, we are just a random collection of (self)interest groups determined to observe our 'rights' to the detriment of others. When was the last time you saw a social/political/economic group put their hands up and say 'OK we lose out on this one but we're prepared to bite the bullet for the greater good of all?'. Ruthless self-interest is the modus vivendi and there is nowt more efficacious than violence when it comes to ensuring that your own self-interest is imposed for the good of all. After all, I'm only following the fine (and profitable) examples set me by the likes of 'Saint' Margaret Thatcher and 'Pope' Tony Blah!

Personally, I don't subscribe to the 'man as animal' theory. Rather to the 'man as malignant disease' theory. I'm just hoping that when the humans are finally eradicated that the RT will put in a good word me with the Supreme Beings (who, they assure me, are a red, velvet humpty and a green, velvet rabbit). The afterlife couldn't really be heaven if it had humans in it, could it?

PS. How was the curry? Do you prefer the instantaneous 'hit by CS gas' type or the delayed-action 'wake up to find the duvet stuck to the ceiling' type?

What after-life? As far as I'm concerned this is all there is. The thought of some sort of "eternity" is appalling. Going on and on without any end in sight.

PS Well, to be perfectly honest, not as good as the last one. The hit was in dry roasting freshly ground cumin seeds with ground corriander and coconut. Then there is the wow when you get a mouthful of chilli, followed by a satisfied mmmm. I think my problem last night was trying to curtail the cooking time. With the lamb korma it was OK but beef a) doesn't do a good korma & b) needed longer cooking time. Still we all learn from our mistakes - sometimes.

Ah, but then, if there is no afterlife, where is the incentive to behave? If it wasn't for the hope of eternity with the RT and their friends and never more to see another human bean I'd just go out and start potting everyone on my 'marked for death' list. Preferably in the most humourously excruciating manner possible. A short life and a merry one, as one highwayman announced from the gallows.

Anyway, I don't think it is fair that you should try and impose your own warped morals and values on the rest of the world! Just about everyone on the planet is happily violent (and violently happy), so don't knock it. As an instrument of change it's very successful. Just ask the new Spanish government, "Fed up with the occupation" of Baghdad, "Fed up with a dictatorship" of Haiti. God, all this violence might even stir into action "Fed up with a having f***wit in charge" of Everywhereville, USA!

PS. So, back to the Homepride Sauces, then? Don't mind curries at all but, for some reason, never been particularly fussed about cooking them myself. I think my spicy glands prefer chilli-based hotness so I tend to do Tex-Mex or Spicy Chinese when the craving for a tongue-traumatiser seizes me.

My morals/values aren't warped, at least not to me. But it is patently obvious that there is absolutely no point in even trying to argue my point of view with someone who is so blinkered and set in his ways.

"Behave" - To do what you're told and not what you want to do. It's not the threat of eternity per se, it's the threat of an eternity of unpleasantness. Ideally, what you want is a deal like the crusaders got where you could do very naughty things and still go to heaven.

You see, there you go again. Trying to express your rights as an individual which are clearly contrary to the views of State and Society in the 21st century! Here are poor old George and Tony trying to run Iraq for your benefit and all you can do is complain about a few million people, who don't even live round here, getting minorly inconvenienced in the process. Good grief, next you'll be whingeing that a less than 100% perfect upbringing doesn't justify robbing and murdering people! Stop getting in touch with your inner self and try to blend into normal society (before you get carted away by the thought police). That many Sun readers can't be wrong!

Anyway, how can you accuse me of being blinkered and set in my ways? Logically this can never be practically disproved as the accusation infers that one is incapable of changing one's mind/view/opinion. Since, ipso facto, the only way to disprove that theory would be to constantly change your mind about everything you would never be able to hold an opinion long enough to establish that said opinion had been changed as a result of a conscious rational process!

PPS. But you're on holiday, aren't you? Anyway, who's going to run the NHS if you're off. I mean what might happen if someone got injured in a crucifixion accident today. It could be three days before he got any medical attention!

But what if there's no one there to tell me what to do? Do I just dither about doing nothing? Oh, please tell me, I can't make up my own mind!

Don't do spag very often. No, this was chicken with proscutto a, basil and fontina cooked in white wine. I'd've sent you some by the steam packet from Great Yarmouth but its all gone.

Where have you got this idea that I am personally responsible for the state of the NHS? Not me, guv. I'm just a very lowly minnion, honest. Anyway, I don't do emergencies. I'd have to make a decision, rather than being told what to do.

Yes, but you're a minion with an opinion. Just like the 'no taxation without representation' principle, you can't have opinions without making decisions. The existence of the former proves the exercise of the latter. Besides, you're no less qualified to run the NHS than the current (and former) incumbents. What have you and we got to lose?

PS. You'd better time your attempt on the north face of the Cornish Beer Industry just right. At present the place is full of lager-swilling, footie-shirt-wearing oafs.